goodbye, my love

yesterday my best friend for the past 19-20 years left me.  i am beyond devastated.  i realized that she had been with me longer than the time i had with my mom.  i remember the day i got her - it was the first time i had ever purchased a pet from a pet store (and by accident).  i went with a friend to pick up his dogs from the groomer & there she was. this skinny, freaky thing in the middle of two beautiful, fat fluffy kittens.  since the two beauties were already sold, i was assured that a new litter was coming in.  'just feel her fur' the man said, 'she's so soft'.  by then, a small group of people had gathered & as he opened the cage she burst out & jumped into my arms & started purring madly.  when someone tried to pet her & i turned away i knew i was in trouble.  i had to borrow money & put some on a check, some on a credit card - it was ridiculous - but i truly got the deal of a lifetime.

i had two dachshunds & a huge rescued tom cat at the time & that little runt came in & just took over.  it was hysterical to see her straddling this 20 pound tom cat - she was maybe 4 pounds at the time. soon after bringing her home i had a huge crisis & ended up in a hospital - i stopped breathing twice.  when i came home i had lost everything - my business, my friends - it was a super stressful & chaotic time.  my family (t&j) who had been with me since i came to california & had been there when my mom died were suddenly leaving for japan.  it was all happening so fast.  a day before they were to leave t asked me if i wanted him to take misha & sasha with him.  although i loved them immensely, i knew that he was always the better caretaker & in my current situation wasn't sure if they would be safe with me.  it was one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make.  & suddenly i found myself completely alone, family & noise & life gone - just me and kimba. and we settled in.

she moved cross country with me & back. i put her in a little soft case & carried her on the plane with me to new york. upon landing, i unzipped the case maybe a 1/2 inch & boom - she was gone.  i think i literally climbed on top of people, my heart beating at the thought of her getting off the plane, when a man held her up by the scruff asking "looking for this?" of course, she was the star of the plane after that.

we had a health scare a few years back that cost me $6,000.  i had to lie to the vet & say she was younger so they would do the surgery & even though they were reluctant they operated & she was great again.  we moved into a house with a yard so i trained her to walk on a leash & we sat outside quite often watching the butterflies & sunning.  when she was younger we played hide & seek - a holdover from my dogs.  i would hide in the shower & call out & she would run to all the spots she knew i would be - crying out - until i would jump out & yell boo & she would run away.

no matter what i looked like, what i felt like, how happy or sad i was, she was there.  i'm not sure how to go on without her.  i used to joke that if she died, i'd kill her. but, now that it's happened, i'm utterly lost. goodbye my love.