how fragile we are, between the few good moments

you are tired,

(i think)

of the always puzzle of living and doing;

and so am i.

come with me, then,

and we'll leave it far and far away--

(only you and i, understand)

you have played, 

(i think)

and broke the toys you were fondest of,

and are a little tired now;

tired of things that break, and--

just tired.

so am i.

but i come with a dream in my eyes tonight,

and knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart--

open to me!

for i will show you the places nobody knows,

and, if you like,

the perfect places of sleep.

ah, come with me!

i'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,

that floats forever and a day;

i'll sing you the jacinth song

of the probable stars;

i will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,

until i find the only flower,

which shall keep (i think) your little heart

while the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

goodbye, my love

yesterday my best friend for the past 19-20 years left me.  i am beyond devastated.  i realized that she had been with me longer than the time i had with my mom.  i remember the day i got her - it was the first time i had ever purchased a pet from a pet store (and by accident).  i went with a friend to pick up his dogs from the groomer & there she was. this skinny, freaky thing in the middle of two beautiful, fat fluffy kittens.  since the two beauties were already sold, i was assured that a new litter was coming in.  'just feel her fur' the man said, 'she's so soft'.  by then, a small group of people had gathered & as he opened the cage she burst out & jumped into my arms & started purring madly.  when someone tried to pet her & i turned away i knew i was in trouble.  i had to borrow money & put some on a check, some on a credit card - it was ridiculous - but i truly got the deal of a lifetime.

i had two dachshunds & a huge rescued tom cat at the time & that little runt came in & just took over.  it was hysterical to see her straddling this 20 pound tom cat - she was maybe 4 pounds at the time. soon after bringing her home i had a huge crisis & ended up in a hospital - i stopped breathing twice.  when i came home i had lost everything - my business, my friends - it was a super stressful & chaotic time.  my family (t&j) who had been with me since i came to california & had been there when my mom died were suddenly leaving for japan.  it was all happening so fast.  a day before they were to leave t asked me if i wanted him to take misha & sasha with him.  although i loved them immensely, i knew that he was always the better caretaker & in my current situation wasn't sure if they would be safe with me.  it was one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make.  & suddenly i found myself completely alone, family & noise & life gone - just me and kimba. and we settled in.

she moved cross country with me & back. i put her in a little soft case & carried her on the plane with me to new york. upon landing, i unzipped the case maybe a 1/2 inch & boom - she was gone.  i think i literally climbed on top of people, my heart beating at the thought of her getting off the plane, when a man held her up by the scruff asking "looking for this?" of course, she was the star of the plane after that.

we had a health scare a few years back that cost me $6,000.  i had to lie to the vet & say she was younger so they would do the surgery & even though they were reluctant they operated & she was great again.  we moved into a house with a yard so i trained her to walk on a leash & we sat outside quite often watching the butterflies & sunning.  when she was younger we played hide & seek - a holdover from my dogs.  i would hide in the shower & call out & she would run to all the spots she knew i would be - crying out - until i would jump out & yell boo & she would run away.

no matter what i looked like, what i felt like, how happy or sad i was, she was there.  i'm not sure how to go on without her.  i used to joke that if she died, i'd kill her. but, now that it's happened, i'm utterly lost. goodbye my love.

possessed 6

found fossilized turtle from pb&j

only my closest friends know my fondness for dead things. well, mostly dead bugs. and sometimes hummingbirds. and spiders. and the jackpot - an intact tiny turtle! 

original painting of the puss from j. 

she's beyond talented & of course i love kimba more than life so this was perfect.

my lovely friend n. has given me not one, but TWO pairs of isabel marant shoes. i mean, that's friendship for life.

m&b just gifted me these amazingly gorgeous beetle body earrings. 

dead bugs. nothing better. 

tweety bird gave me the most awesomely awesome bat encased in acrylic. 

you can see his tiny little nails.

can you tell how much love i've given to my hermès bracelet that m.t.d gave me eons ago.

i've actually never taken it off since he gave to me - only when it falls off do i replace the leather. i feel slightly lost for those 10 minutes. all the plating has worn off but that just makes it better. and me.

my dearest closest friend c who is the sister i never had always gives me the most amazing books.

she knows my love of words and paper and just the smell of a book. sigh.

i actually wear a cologne called "in the library" and another "old leather". 

friends. 

friends who get you the most perfect gifts.

friends who get you are the best things in life.

mom!

mother's day is always a hard one for me. even though she's been gone for a long time, i miss her every. single. day. she was such an amazing women & i am happy to have had her for the short amount that i did.

one of my favorite memories of my mom was in the early 1980s. now, we lived in a well, no easy way to say it, a shanty style apartment. it wasn't fabulous but she made it home.  it was located at the end of the cemetery.  it was a muggy summer in rural pennsylvania & my mother lay in our "front yard", if you could call it that. really it was a small patch of grass next to the parked cars.  she was in her bikini on one of those little lounge chairs you buy for the beach. slathered in a mixture of baby oil & mecuricome. for those of you too young to remember, mecuricome was a dark red antiseptic that contained mercury. it came in a tiny bottle & you would dab it on cuts etc.  she would pour the whole bottle into the baby oil, shake it & apply liberally. she was aiming for the "cher" tan....

she loved to read & her summer "novel" was mommie dearest.  i brought her out an iced tea & sat with her for a few minutes and she turned to me & said "from now on i want you to call me mommie dearest"!  i laughed and told her she was cuckoo.  later that year i either read the book or saw the movie, i can't remember which, but i recall thinking, why in the everloving world would she want me to call her mommie dearest?  i never did figure it out.  

i love you mom.

mine, mine, mine!!

yes, these beauties are all mine!

maison martin margiela for h&m plexiglass heel boot & shoe. trying not to drool on them.

thanks to the loveliest flower i know!

grandeLASH

okay, this stuff is beyond amazing.  i wish i had taken a "before" photo, but to be honest, it never crossed my mind that grandeLASH would actually work!  i was a little hesitant to use it - i won't mention the name of the other lash lengthener but you know the commercials with ALL the warnings!  i mean really, i don't think i would chance using a product that can change your eye color .... permanently!!

initially the conversation came up because my eyebrows were sparse.  a friend of a friend (who is a celebrity make-up artist with chanel) suggested i try it & told me she had recommended it to her clients. after researching it i couldn't find any negative medical info so i ordered it.

i have to tell you, i have never, ever used a product that did exactly what it said it would.  i am beyond thrilled with the results.  not only did it lengthen my eyelashes, but they are thicker & darker.  my eyebrows have totally filled in & are thicker & darker as well.

i'm sold & for the first time i am wholeheartedly recommending a product!  now i'm dying to try grande HAIR! for more info go here.

transmission la: av club at the geffen MOCA

transmission la: av club at the geffen MOCA

curated by mike d

the multi-disciplinary & multi-sensory exhibition examines the intricate & ongoing dialogue between music & art. combining work from 17 cross-discipline artists known for their experimentation with audio & visual elements.

a truly trippy show!  if you are in l.a. i highly recommend you see this show. you will leave with a big smile on your face.